Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I am, admittedly, new to the business of being a psychopath. But I'm catching on quickly, if I do say so myself.
The latest Sparkler Challenge comes from Aditrs, who requested a post about the Pokemon, Ditto. At that moment I thought, "How fun! Think of all the good things I can do for people!" But then I thought about it more and realized that what I want the most from life is...revenge. Think about it. Ditto can become anyone he wants. So if I were him for a day, I would take over the world. (Duh) I would, also, do a range of other wildly selfish things.
If I could be Ditto for a day, here's what my shenanigans would be:
1.) I would become Justin Beiber. First, I would legally change my last name to "Timber-fake" and chortle at my brilliance. Then, I would march right up to the record company and request to be dropped from the label. After that I would run to the nearest barber shop and get a haircut. Next, I would google, "How to be a mime."
2.) I would transform into the most hideous, foul dragon in all folklore. Then I would hunt for my third grade nemesis, Leslie Turner and singe her to a crisp. (Is that homicide? I'm a dragon after all. It's in the job description.)
3.) I would turn into Leslie Turner herself and get her arrested. Not for anything crazy, like drugs. But she will definitely be stealing something ridiculous just so that it goes on her record. I will be tickled pink if she has to admit she stole laundry detergent at her next job interview.
4.) I would morph into Taylor Lautner. Then find a mirror.
5. I would become my sister Alice. The city will then be papered with fliers that read, "I, Alice Everdeen, am a butt-sniffer. But my sister Ellie is five and a half feet of die-hard sexiness. I sucked my thumb until I was 14. And I worship the ground Ellie walks on. Bye. -Alice"
6.) I would become the god-among-men known as Dan Bergstein. I would make myself laugh at all the funny thoughts swirling in my head and copy them down for later use.
7.) I would morph into Lindsey Lohan. Then I'd put down the cocaine and eat a sandwich.
8.) Become Warren Buffet. I would disperse "my" wealth among you delicious (3 points for creepy adjectives!) Sparklers and Ellie's Whirrled readers.
I think I like this "psycho control freak" thing I have going.
P.S. There are obviously millions more things I'd like to do as Ditto but I figure I'd keep it short. But tell me what you would do if you were Ditto in the comments.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Today something happened that was so amazing, I'm convinced that it has given me the ability to fly. Sparkler Hanini_Panini called me "the female Dan Bergstein." she then followed that up by saying, "Don't worry you make my day whenever I read your articles. Being compared to Dan Bergstein is the best possible ' you are amazing and funny and I love you' compliment in my book." It was at this moment the heavens opened up and I heard the angels singing. Or maybe not. Whatever. The point is, I was so excited that I wrote up comment worthy of a Pulitzer. (If e-screaming and and making Facebook jokes were Pulitzer-worthy) After screaming, crying, jumping, and using the little girls room, I realized that "thank you" was just not enough for a compliment of this magnitude. And that's where the poems come in.
My gratitude can only be expressed with a bit of 5-7-5 style Haiku's.
Hannah called me Dan.
Bergstein, to be really clear.
I can die happy.
'cause she compared me to Dan.
This is her poem.
*normally using two syllables to say "poem" would make you a tool, but today I get a free pass, kay?
I suck at Haiku's.
They're harder than Limericks.
Forgive me Hannah.
P.S. Hey everyone, sorry I was busy this weekend. I'll be back to my usual compulsive blogging. You can get some shut eye now. I know you've been staying up all night thinking about it. (Just pretend like you have.)
Friday, May 21, 2010
I’m back again; and, as usual, about to make outrageous leaps of logic from stupid details about insignificant things. I love these Sparkler challenges so-stinking-much. After Sparkler Severalsilent challenged me to write a post about peanut butter, I extended the invitation to others. That’s when Dizzy_In_My_Head left me this jewel of a comment: “I would love a post about…KIWIS!!!”
You ask; I deliver. Feast your eyes on this Dizzy_In_My_Head:
Lessons from a Kiwifruit:
1.) Don’t judge a book by its cover. When I look at a display of delicious barrels of fruit in the store, nothing looks less appealing than a kiwi. It’s the Danny DeVito of the fruit Kingdom. But underneath that shell of dirty hairy-ness, lies the most delicious fruit my taste buds have ever encountered. So go up to that guy who is just a little quirky, or the girl with the Wiggles t-shirt, and say, “Hi.” You never know how awesome they may be.
2.) Not everything is as it seems. Believe it or not a kiwifruit is a berry (albeit a gigantic one). People just assume that it’s not because it doesn't seem like it would be one. So remember the kiwi when you hear a nasty rumor about someone. You don’t know everything about the situation and you never know what isn’t as it appears to be. Maybe Jenny doesn’t have an eating disorder; maybe she has a super fast metabolism and is self conscious about her knobby knees. Or perhaps I really am this thoughtful and not just pretending to be to write a challenge-article about fruit. (Or not)
3.) Good things come with hard work. Kiwis are notoriously difficult to pollinate. In fact, some farmers have to take the seeds and pollinate the flowers themselves. It’s crazy-hard to get just one of these lovely (hideous) fruits to exist. So let’s translate this into real life. You’re never going to get what you want in life by sitting on your butt cheeks and waiting for it to happen. You have to get up and work like a madman/madwomen to make it happen. If you want to be an astronaut, work like crazy to be the best in academics. If you want to travel the world, control your spending and save every penny you have. If you want to learn to play guitar using only your eyelashes, practice every single day.
4.) Brown, furry things rock. A kiwi is undeniably awesome. It’s a sphere of brown, hairy deliciousness. So the same rule must go for other things. Hamsters are brown, hairy and awesome. Erik Estrada as “Ponch” is brown, hairy and awesome. Know what else are brown, furry, and awesome? Werewolves.
So go to your local grocery store and pick an item to stare at. See what there is to learn from it.
BAM! Challenge Status: Mission Accomplished.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Well Several, here's a gift for your eyeballs.
Peanut butter is the greatest food on earth. Better than macaroni. Better than egg-salad sandwiches. Better than Everlasting Gob-Stoppers. Know why? Because those foods cannot save the planet, destroy your enemies, achieve world peace, or bring families together. But peanut butter can.
1.) Save The Planet - Yes this humble food can literally* save the planet. If we tear down the world ten most populated cities and harvest peanuts, then we stop global warming in its tracks. Then we celebrate...with peanut butter.
2.) Destroy Your Enemies - Peanut butter is a master weapon. Do you want to know why that is? Because nobody expects humiliating defeat via peanut butter. You can:
a.) Put it on their seat right before they sit down. When their butt is resting nicely in the pile of peanut-goo, claim they had an explosive accident.
b.) Sneak into their house late at night and fill every shoe they own with peanut butter. It is impossible to get out the smell even if you can remove the peanut butter itself. You may be thinking to yourself, "Ellie, isn't that considered Breaking and Entering...which is illegal?" To that I say, "It's only illegal if you get caught"
c.) If they are allergic to peanuts: make them a peanut butter sandwich and claim it is made with soy and not peanuts. **
3.) Achieve World Peace - Imagine two world leaders got together over some peanut butter sandwiches and milk to discuss politics. (Is there anything more comforting than that combo? It's like a hug for your tummy.) They are so comforted by the deliciousness of peanut butter that they decide to sign a treaty ending war forever.
4.) Brings Families Together - Think of a typical family. You've got your stressed-out father, nagging mother, moody teenage daughter, and irritating little brother. Now imagine they all go to the store. The dad says he wants shaving cream. Mom says she wants deli meats. Daughter says she wants a Zach Efron poster. But then little Johnny says he wants a jar of creamy peanut butter. They all stop in their tracks and turn to Johnny with loving looks in their eyes at the mention of such a wonderful food. They hug; then go to the peanut butter aisle.
See what I mean? Peanut butter makes the world go 'round.
BAM! Challenge Status: Mission Accomplished.
*In Ellie-Speak, "literally" means, "I'm about to make an outrageous claim."
**DO NOT actually try this dummies. That's what the court system calls "Attempted Murder." (Or "Successful Murder" depending on how stupid the victim is.) Killing is for douche-bags.
You may be starting to associate the name Elliekespie with uber-ridiculous and completely unhelpful posts, but take note: this post is different. It's actually EXTREMELY helpful (and uber-ridiculous). It's a guide to spotting people who suck; you know, the folks who vacuum the happiness from every situation like Dementors with high-powered Hoovers. There will be no references to shark tanks, digestive issues, or outer space in this post; sucky people are serious stuff, and I refuse to joke about them.
The Great and Powerful Oz (aka the person who refers to himself in the third person):
The Riddler (aka the person who only communicates through conceited questions):
Better Title: Ridiculous Reactions.
Okay, so in Dan’s blog he always poses questions (albeit rhetorical ones) about the stupid situations in this book. I’m going to start answering all those questions in an attempt to make sense of a ridiculous series. The first question he asks is, “Do the werewolves actually eat the vampires?” The answer is yes. Vampires have a slightly lemony taste to them. That is why the werewolves grab tequila and salt before ingesting them. Werewolves know how to party.
Like I mentioned in the title, this entire blog was filled with the ridiculous happenings of the characters. If they reacted like normal people, this book would have been over so long ago.
The Situation: Edward sees Bella holding her “drama dagger” which she was about to slice herself open with to make Icky Vicky eat her.
The Situation: Bella is told that Jacob has broken half the bones in his body while fighting in battle.
Question Break! Dan says, “Alice predicts, 'Bella will open her eyes in exactly thirty-seven seconds.' Once again, I'll ask: Does that mean Bella made a decision to open her eyes in exactly thirty-seven seconds?” Answer: No. Alice’s powers are a huge sham. She has no powers whatsoever. A long time ago she was jealous that Edward could read minds, and she wasn't a sexy beast like Rosalie, so she started telling people that she could read minds so she would look cooler. In actuality, the conversation actually went like this:
Alice: "Bella will open her eyes in thirty-seven seconds."
After some talk about cloaks, Barbie, and a jab at Kate Gosselin, Dan asks a whopping five questions: "Why didn't Dakota use her mind powers to make Edward fall to the ground, and then turn Bella into a vampire herself? Why are the Volturi leaving? How can they be sure that no other newborn vampires are still out there? Who took down Bella's tent and packed up her camping gear? Why are there still two more chapters in this book?"
The answers are:
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
People who only speak in third person. If Lisa comes up to you and says, “Lisa needs to get some food, she’s positively starved,” she’d better be talking about her crazy Aunt Lisa, whom she was named after. Otherwise, she is a jerk-face and one to be thrown in a shark tank.
People who turn statements into questions. I am NOT exaggerating; today I went shopping with a girl who phrased everything as a question in the most conceited way the human brain can come up with. Here are some ACTUAL transcripts from our conversation:
Holly: “Why do I look so fabulous in this dress?”
Me: “Because it’s cut nicely.”
-Ten Minutes Later-
Holly: “Why was this necklace practically made for my neck?”
Me: “Oh umm, I have no idea. Complementary colors, I guess.”
-Five Minutes Later-
Holly: *Looks at my outfit* “Oh goodness no!” *Proceeds to take jacket away from me* “But, why do I look like a model in this?”
Me: *Realizes she is the character set of Mean Girls incarnated* “I have to go. I’m having digestive issues.”
People who, compulsively, One-Up you.
You: “I just got a new puppy! Isn’t that so exciting?”
Friend: “Oh *yawns* greeeat. I just got a new Griffon.”
You: “Do those exist?”
You: “My parents got me tickets to a concert for graduation!”
Friend: “Mine bought me tickets to board a Space Shuttle. They say it’s chilly in near Uranus.”
You: “Can they do that?”
People who lie. Like saying they’re not going to mention shark tanks, digestive issues, or outer space.
Let me know how it works out for you.
Monday, May 17, 2010
And then 8:30 rolled around.
I was procrastinating like I do every other Monday night and I start looking through the list of blogs to read. This was the little voice in my head’s monologue:
“Oooh, cafeteria expose…nice! What’s this next one? “How to Alienate People Like A Pro.” Sound’s cool. Wait a sec…I wrote a post with the same title! Someone stole my idea; that sucks! Oh well. ‘Ellielikespie’ is a lucky duck. Hold the phone! I’m Ellie! That’s MY Post! That’s My Post! That’s MY Post!”
After shaking, giggling, forgetting my password, and having an onset of profuse sweating, I finally went on and thanked everyone for their kind words. Usually when a Sparkler gets posted they take it so coolly and dignified, but I had a melt-down that could compete with the polar ice-caps. Therefore, my entire comment was written in caps and included a hastily written thank you to the editors. (Glad they didn’t see me re-type the words, “Thank You” seven times due to shaking hands.)
Boy if I could bake them cookies in thanks, I’d be elbow deep in flour and eggs right now. I know I didn’t accomplish world peace and still have my status as a nobody, but in Ellie-World, people are partying in the streets because I finally reached on of my goals.
I know this post is not particularly funny, insightful, or interesting and looks like it was written in three minutes, (it was five minutes…so there!) but it is just a reflection of one of my very happy moments as a blogger. Tomorrow I’ll go back to singing show tunes from “Chicago” alone in my garage. But for now, I’m a star.
By the way, you may be thinking to yourself, “Calm down dummy all you did was write in a post for Sparknotes, which they tweaked a bit anyways.”
To those people I say, “True. But when your biggest accomplishment in life was winning the perfect attendance award in second grade, you get excited over things like this.”
And if to that they say, “You’re still lame.”
Then to that I say, “That’s what she said.”
Monday, May 10, 2010
1.) Whenever you are walking to a destination, you will have the urge to break into a gallop and bang two coconuts together. People may look at you strangely, but you know that better men before you have used this method of transportation with great success.
2.) The next time you see a coconut in the grocery store you will mumble the words, “A swallow carrying a coconut? It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.” You will then consider proposing to the stranger who overhears you and says, “It could be carried by an African Swallow!”
3.) Whenever your sibling requests access to your room you will stand at the entrance screaming “Ni!” and insist they return with a shrubbery.
4.) When you are being bossed around by your parent/teacher/employer you will accidently yell the words, “Help, help, I’m being repressed! Do you see him repressing me?!” Or, you will try to gather an angry mob against said parent/teacher/employer screaming “She’s a witch!” with accusations of newt-transformation.
5.) Whenever you are injured you will try to convince those around you that it’s only a flesh-wound.
6.) Your next encounter with the school bully will involve you saying, “I fart in your general direction” in a French accent.
7.) You will shudder with fear at the sight of a bunny.
8.) When your mother says “Bring down your laundry!” you will be inclined to scream back, “Bring out your dead!”
9.) You will end every prayer with, “All foes…shall snuff it.”
10.) You will understand this ridiculous list.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Need to ditch someone but don't have the heart to tell them to get lost? You've come to the right place. I may not be a genius, but when it comes to alienating people, I'm a bonafide expert. So I present you with a few sure-fire ways to lose the people around you. I have spent the last 19 years perfecting these techniques so use them well...
1. Speak in a Jamaican Accent as loud as you can. (Most Effective if not actually Jamaican)
Friend: "Want to go get some frozen yogurt? It's both healthful and delicious..."
You: *Jamaican Accent* "Ya, Maawwn"
Friend: "Why are you speaking like that?"
You: *Jamaican Accent* Yo, maawwn! Don't hate da playa..."
*If Jamaican the same principle applies. Simply substitute with an American accent. I hear we're one of the most annoying accents.
2. Take forever to get to the point in a conversation.
You: "...And after the safari was over we went back to lodge. The head tour guide was wearing perfume. Anyhoo, the point of that story was that I like my perfumes spicy, not musky."
Them: *glazed-over look*
3. Stare at a pimple (real or imagined) on their face.
Them: "What the heck are you staring at? Is there something on my face?"
You: "It's not a 'something'. It's more like a planet."
4. Consistently accuse them of things they are not guilty of.
You: "Gosh Ginny, I'm sick of you constantly copying me! Every time I inhale, you inhale AT THE SAME TIME! You don't even have the decency to take a breath after me! I don't think this friendship is going to work out."
5. Use phrases that imply you have street cred, when, in fact, you have none. "In my neighborhood..." "Me and my posse of heathens" "Can I borrow your bandanna...I forgot mine" "I didn't even bother asking my mom to borrow the fifty cents for the gumball machine."
6. Lie. The more obvious, the better.
Them: "Want half of my sandwich?"
You: "No thanks, I'm allergic to all wheat harvested after 2 p.m."
Them: "How do you know when the wheat in my sandwich was harvested?"
You: "I get wheat-harvesting updates on Twitter."
If you practice in front of the mirror and make sure to eat plenty of fiber, than I GUARANTEE that these tactics will make everyone hate you.
Title: Blogging Eclipse: Part 24.
Better Title: Dan “The Man” Bergstein gets caught in a bro-mance.
Dear Dan’s Girlfriend,
You don’t know me. My name is Ellie, and I love Monty Python and Belgian waffles. I’m writing this letter to inform you of something you may not want to hear. This may break your heart but I’m going to go ahead and tell you anyway, because I’m just that kind of girl. Your boyfriend may or may not be involved in infidelity…monster-style. You may have noticed him mumbling things that sound faintly like, “Seth wouldn’t ask me to buy tampons” or “At least Seth would go with me to the midnight showing of Iron Man 2.” I bet he also says you’re just hearing things when you confront him, right? Watch your back. You may find an emotional knife in it.
If nothing else you can always try an open relationship…
P.S. Be offended if he says he wishes you were “Fury-ous.” He’s not trying to tell you you’re too nice.
I’m experiencing a strange flurry of emotions. You know when you like a band that nobody else has heard of yet, and you get to bask in your musical snobbery? Then they get famous and you silently curse MTV to Tartarus? But then you realize that if the band was never discovered they might not have been able to keep making wonderful music. That’s how I feel. For a while now I’ve been doodling “Ellie Clearwater” in my fur covered “Seth is Mad-Sexy” journal. But now Dan has discovered Seth’s sunny attitude and chiseled calves. I know I should be happy that Seth has been discovered by a SparkLife writer/demi-god. But honestly the thought of Dan with his own “Seth is Mad-Sexy” journal makes me jealous. (Yo, Dan! Bet yours isn’t covered with AUTHENTIC werewolf fur. Yeah I may have paid a Puerto-Rican fur-trader a hefty price, but look who’s laughing now. ZING!)
So it starts off with Dan doing this week’s “I hate Smelly Belly and Edward the red turd” bit, and as usual we all love it. He makes a few jabs at Jacob’s sanity as well. This is understandable since he has spent the last two books fawning over a girl who wants to get naked with the undead. (If she also wants to become part of the non-living world, could we safely say that she is suicidal? Yes?) And she’s suicidal. I don’t know why he isn’t more worried about Jake’s mental health. Maybe he has concluded Jake’s level of Bad-A#$-ery acts as an anti-depressant, in which case he has nothing to worry about.
Later, Dan makes fun of Bella’s mighty gasping power. Now, normally I would never take Bella’s side over Dan’s, but I said it in a comment and I’ll say it again… Dan, you said you may have underestimated the power of a gasp. I know this was in jest. But look who just gasped and BAM'd on your next post. YUSSS! SUCK ON THAT!
After some chit-chat about nail guns and jazz hands, Dan (*cough* starts giggling like an eleven year old at a Hannah Montana concert *cough*) gets excited about The Great One’s battle with Riley. He liked it, but was more confused at the narration than I was when trying to understand the fourth season of LOST.
Me: I thought Charlie was dead?
Sister: He is…this is a flash back.
5 Minutes Later –
Me: Wait. If this isn’t a flash back anymore then why is Charlie here?
Sister: It’s a hallucination.
Me: Forget it.
He feels let down by a too-tidy ending to an otherwise awesome chapter. (This was written by an awful author.) To sum it up, he felt like I did when I first heard “Party in the USA”…conflicted.
Me: *rocks to the music* Snap! What a great song! I want to “move my hips like ‘yeah’ too!”
Sister: Ellie, you know who this is right?
Me: *pauses “cabbage patch” mid arm-circle* No, who?
Me: *runs to bathroom*
Sister: Where are you going?
Me: *yells over shoulder* I need to go wash the “fail” off of myself…
He of course hits another high-note in the ballad of funny blogs. I finish with a laugh-induced asthma attack.
He hurts so good.
References to Vampire/ Bella’s Stupidity: 9 (Series Total: 337)
References to Werewolf superiority: 7 (Series Total: 17x1016)
Prediction: The anticipation for Dan’s next blog is so intense that it puts me in the hospital.
Me: *refreshes page every 38 seconds waiting for the next Blogging Eclipse post*
Mom: Ellie! Why are you sweating and hyperventilating? *checks pulse* And your heart is racing! Ellie, you’re having a heart attack!
Races to Hospital…
Me: Doc, I know you’re a busy guy but I NEED to use your computer. More than I need that shot to my Parasympathetic system! I need to check for the D-Man’s blog! I MUST Bam! I MUST Bam!
Doctor: *looks worriedly to my parents* Has your lovely daughter considered psychoanalysis?
Friday 12:15 pm – Can’t think of a Twitter username. Elliephant? EllieBeans? ElliesWhirrled?
12:17 pm– Curse the Twitteverse! Elliephant is taken! Fine…*grumbles*
12:30 pm– Can’t wait to go home and check SparkLife…again.
1:00 pm– Is it obsessive to love SparkLife more than most of your family members? Let’s go with “no”.
4:00 pm– Dreams of sister’s eye’s freezing so she would get off the computer.
4:09 pm– Finally! *Checks SparkLife* Drat! It isn’t up yet.
4:11 pm– *Refreshes page*
4:11:26 pm –*Refreshes page*
4:19 pm – *Refreshes page* Oh god…I want a Friday Award so badly. *prays* “Dear God, If you convince Emily to give me an award, I’ll stop short-sheeting my sister’s bed. And eat my vegetables. Do you take bribes?”
4:20 pm – Crap. Just realized I’m sweating.
4:21 pm – Crap. Just realized I forgot to put on deodorant.
4:30 pm – FINALLY! SHE POSTED IT! *Start’s reading through each comment* …*can’t sit through the anticipation and starts looking for my own name*
4:30 pm and 10 seconds - AHHHHHH!!! I WON, I WON, I WON! *gasps…realizes I won TWO Friday Awards!*
4:30:40pm - Oh my goodness! I’m so happy I could fly! *tries* *fails*
4:31 pm - *sends thoughts of happiness, prosperity, and Philly Cheese Steaks towards the Sparkitors* I should be a good Sparkler and congratulate everyone.
SUCK ON THAT WORLD! I'm a Friampion!
P.S. You may be confused on what this means. Every friday Sparknotes.com gives awards for the best comments on their website. The winners are known as Friampions. Get with it...
Battle Strategy 1.) Wake Up the Voices In Your Head. All day you've been focusing, trying to perform your tasks like a pro, right? Well here's where you stop. Every time your boss says something, translate his/her words into what he/she should be saying.
Boss: "Ellie, here is another stack of checks. I need you to add them into the computer's database in the next 15 minutes."
Translation: "Ellie, here is a fun fact: I sucked my thumb until I was 17. Sometimes when I have a particularly bad day, my thumb makes its way back in there."
Battle Strategy 2.) Lie. All you guys with jobs in a coffee-house or restaurant...this one's for you. You may be thinking, "How will lying alleviate stress?" Simple. It creates an environment where there is no work to do. Observe...
You: "Welcome to Kentucky Fried Chicken, my name is (insert name here), how can I help you today?"
Customer: "Hi! I'll take an order of your 15-piece fried chicken bowl. And a large Diet Coke."
You: *remorseful tone* "I'm so sorry sir, we're out of fried chicken."
Customer: "I don't understand how you can be out of fried chicken. This joint is called Kentucky FRIED CHICKEN!"
You: "Yes sir, I understand why you feel this way. However, chickens were just placed on the National Uneatable Birds List. Research shows that chickens cause fainting spells in children and pregnant women."
Customer: "I've never even heard of that list!"
You: "Yes sir. It's a shock. *whispers* But if you really have a craving for a good wing, I know a guy a few blocks down with a moonshine/fried chicken underground operation..."
Customer: *disturbed look* "Never mind! Can I just get the Diet Coke then?"
You: "Funny you should ask..."
Battle Strategy 3.) Compare your boss/co-worker/teacher/classmate to their closest villain/monster counterpart.
You: *thinks* "When was the last time this girl ate? She's mean enough for 5 people, but is 90 pounds soaking wet! Let's go with Skeletor. Mr. Green? Uh, definitely Frankenstein. Principal...who is she?...principal...principal...oooh! Wicked Witch of the West! *dreams wistfully of falling houses.*
Battle Strategy 4.) If you don't have nerves of steel, then I suppose you could try strategy 4. This involves Positive Thinking, Deep Breathing, and Diet/Exercise. If you eat right and exercise then you have a head start on feeling better throughout the day. Take deep breaths and count to 10 to restore a sense of calm. And always remember positive thinking. Chances are a week, month, year or decade from now, you won't even remember why this day was so bad. Keep focusing on the fact that soon this day will be over and you can go home and work on perfecting your powers of mind control.
1.) Imagine a dry desert. In this dry desert it is 156 degrees and somewhere a cactus just died. Feel the desert...be the desert...oom...oom...
2.) Emotionally destroy your nearest enemy. Now hear me out with this one. Your looking for relief, are you not? So if you can't have it anatomically, get it mentally.
You: *whispers* "pssst...Jake, you know how you keep flushing my glasses down the toilet? Well this is classic over-compensation for your intellectual inferiority displayed by bullies. This aggression will haunt you throughout your life, and leading studies show that you are 15 times more likely to end up in the state penitentiary. While you continue to burden tax-payers in prison, I will be talking to Oprah about my status as the youngest self-made gazillionaire in history. Yeah, HOW'S THAT FEEL?! BAM!"
Jake: *whispers back* "Whatever nerd, your face is going in the toilet today at lunch!"
You: *whispers back aggressively at the mention of a toilet* "Will this be before or after your downward spiral into criminal activity and debauchery?! Don't look so confused at that last word, they'll have dictionaries in detention!"
3.) Attempt to get a potty-pass from your evil teacher/boss/warlock. Use begging, bribery, and Jedi mind control to accomplish this.
You: "Mr. Frederickson, I know this information will make or brake my knowledge of chemistry, but can I pretty please with an Easter-egg on top go to the bathroom?"
Mr. Frederickson: "I'm sure this can wait."
You: "Pleeeease! In fact, *pull out lunch money* if you let me go, Washington here might take a nap at your desk..."
Mr. Frederickson: "Are you trying to bribe me?"
You: "Absolutely not! What a vicious accusation! But...*waves Jedi-fingers in his face* You WANT to give me a potty pass..."
4.) Run for it. They can't stop you if they can't catch you.
Now stop silently cursing yourself for ever looking down on adult diapers and pick your poison.
Lesson 1.) When in need of advice, look to the closest inanimate object...it will hold all the answers. Take for example Pocahontas. Po-Po was confused. What does she do? She looks to a tree. And the tree holds the answers to life. And don't get me started on Belle. Beauty and the Beast is just a haze of talking furniture. But we accept it because they gave such good advice. I've been doing the same thing. Just the other day I was polishing my mom's coffee table. I looked deeply into the coffee-ring stain and said, "I'm lost...what should I have for lunch?" And that's when I knew. I needed something without trans-fat.
Lesson 2.) Cleaning fixes everything. It also leads to singing. Why Disney has not come out with a line of cleaning products is beyond me. If they were smart they would put Cinderella and Snow White on the front giving cheeky smiles for the world to see. Then every child in America would do their chores because they would know greatness is just around the corner.
Mom: "DO YOU WANNA BE A PRINCESS!?"
Little Girl: *Sobs* "Yeah..."
Mom: "THEN START UNCLOGGING THE DRAIN IN MY BATHTUB!"
Lesson 3.) Rodents and woodland creatures will always appear to assist you with Lesson 2. Now that I know this, I plan to fill my sisters room with mice.
Sister: *screams* Ellie! "Why are there mice all over my room?"
Me: *yells back* "I thought you might like Gus-Gus to help you make your bed; but I can see, as usual, you're gonna look at this as a negative!"
Lesson 4.) Always wait for a prince to come and save you...preferably when you're in a coma. I don't know what those feminists were yelling about all those years. This one's set in stone. Crappy step-mom? Wait for a prince. Lost in the woods with 7 Little People? Wait for a prince. Crazy witch made you narcoleptic? Wait for a prince. I started paying attention to these movies and I realized I was living my life ALL WRONG. I recently went to my guidance counselor to remedy the situation.
Counselor: "Heya Ellie! What can I do for you?"
Me: *enthusiasm coming out of my ears* "Well, I'm very excited to announce that I'll be dropping out of school!"
Counselor: "What!? Why?"
Me: "Because I realized that I'm living my life all backwards. I'm going to go home and wait for a prince."
Counselor: "But Ellie, you're throwing away your future!"
Me: "You take that back Mr. Jones! You don't know what you're talking about! It's what I'm supposed to do! I'm gonna go home, and wait for a prince that will sing ballads to me with the help of the birds! Then we will get married and live happily *dramatic inhale* EVER *gasp* AFTER!"
Counselor: *disbelieving stare*
Me: *marches home to find that house is on fire and sits on the grass* "I hope he comes soon..."
Lesson 5.) When in doubt, put on a sparkly dress. Bigger is better.
All right people...get out there and make some magic happen.
From the mind of the much-improved Ellie.