Thursday, May 20, 2010

Blogging Dan's Blog: This Is Exhausting

Title: Blogging Eclipse: Part 25
Better Title: Ridiculous Reactions.

Okay, so in Dan’s blog he always poses questions (albeit rhetorical ones) about the stupid situations in this book. I’m going to start answering all those questions in an attempt to make sense of a ridiculous series. The first question he asks is, “Do the werewolves actually eat the vampires?” The answer is yes. Vampires have a slightly lemony taste to them. That is why the werewolves grab tequila and salt before ingesting them. Werewolves know how to party.

Like I mentioned in the title, this entire blog was filled with the ridiculous happenings of the characters. If they reacted like normal people, this book would have been over so long ago.


The Situation: Edward sees Bella holding her “drama dagger” which she was about to slice herself open with to make Icky Vicky eat her.

Edwards Ridiculous Reaction: Says, “It’s okay Bella. Everything is fine.”

Not Ridiculous Reaction would have been: “Um, Bells, were you about to slice your self open because of a campfire story? Why do you keep gasping? Do you have Asthma? My dad is a doctor; he can help with that. I can’t understand you...can you stop touching my face for a sec?”

The Situation: Bella is told that Jacob has broken half the bones in his body while fighting in battle.

Bella’s Ridiculous Reaction: Bella takes a nap.

Not Ridiculous Reaction w-h-b: “Oh my god, my best friend, who I just realized I want to give special hugs to, is hurt. Ed, I need you to take me to him immediately. And once we get there, I need you to change your status from ‘In a relationship with xx_Bella_xx’ to ‘single’ on Facebook. I hate you.”

Question Break! Dan says, “Alice predicts, 'Bella will open her eyes in exactly thirty-seven seconds.' Once again, I'll ask: Does that mean Bella made a decision to open her eyes in exactly thirty-seven seconds?” Answer: No. Alice’s powers are a huge sham. She has no powers whatsoever. A long time ago she was jealous that Edward could read minds, and she wasn't a sexy beast like Rosalie, so she started telling people that she could read minds so she would look cooler. In actuality, the conversation actually went like this:

Alice: "Bella will open her eyes in thirty-seven seconds."

-Forty-Eight Seconds Later-

Bella: “Whoa, I had the craziest dream that I was in a relationship with a crazed, obsessive, hundred-year-old man!”

*Everyone looks away nervously*

Rosalie: “Wait, I thought you said she would wake up in thirty-seven seconds, Alice.”

Alice: -Nervous after being caught- “Yeah, what I meant was she would wake up in thirty-seven seconds according to the ancient Incan way of counting time. History has proved that it’s a much more accurate way of keeping track of time…OH MY GOD WHAT’S THAT OVER THERE?!”

After some talk about cloaks, Barbie, and a jab at Kate Gosselin, Dan asks a whopping five questions: "Why didn't Dakota use her mind powers to make Edward fall to the ground, and then turn Bella into a vampire herself? Why are the Volturi leaving? How can they be sure that no other newborn vampires are still out there? Who took down Bella's tent and packed up her camping gear? Why are there still two more chapters in this book?"

The answers are:

1.) Bella has a slightly beefy taste to her blood and Dakota is a vegetarian.

2.) Aro got them a Wii, and they really, really want to go play with it.

3.) They aren’t; they’re hoping that one will escape and finally kill Bella.

4.) Esmee. Honestly, what else is she good for?

5.) Because Stephenie Meyer knew you’d be blogging this book one day…and she hates you.

Number of Questions this series brought up this week: 6 (Book Total:93)

Number of Logical Answers: 0 (Book Total: 0)


Dan tries to get through the last chapters of this book, but is poisoned by how many times he reads the words, "Edward is like a statue; a sparkly, bird crap-free, statue. I want to touch his face so badly." Dan then loses his mind.

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