Sunday, May 9, 2010

Blogging Dan's Blog: Yeah...You Heard Me

What could be more fun blogging another blog. To make this effective I have to use similar formatting. I'll try to get pictures on future blogs. You ready for this?

Title: Blogging Eclipse: Part 24.

Better Title: Dan “The Man” Bergstein gets caught in a bro-mance.

Dear Dan’s Girlfriend,

You don’t know me. My name is Ellie, and I love Monty Python and Belgian waffles. I’m writing this letter to inform you of something you may not want to hear. This may break your heart but I’m going to go ahead and tell you anyway, because I’m just that kind of girl. Your boyfriend may or may not be involved in infidelity…monster-style. You may have noticed him mumbling things that sound faintly like, “Seth wouldn’t ask me to buy tampons” or “At least Seth would go with me to the midnight showing of Iron Man 2.” I bet he also says you’re just hearing things when you confront him, right? Watch your back. You may find an emotional knife in it.

If nothing else you can always try an open relationship…



P.S. Be offended if he says he wishes you were “Fury-ous.” He’s not trying to tell you you’re too nice.

I’m experiencing a strange flurry of emotions. You know when you like a band that nobody else has heard of yet, and you get to bask in your musical snobbery? Then they get famous and you silently curse MTV to Tartarus? But then you realize that if the band was never discovered they might not have been able to keep making wonderful music. That’s how I feel. For a while now I’ve been doodling “Ellie Clearwater” in my fur covered “Seth is Mad-Sexy” journal. But now Dan has discovered Seth’s sunny attitude and chiseled calves. I know I should be happy that Seth has been discovered by a SparkLife writer/demi-god. But honestly the thought of Dan with his own “Seth is Mad-Sexy” journal makes me jealous. (Yo, Dan! Bet yours isn’t covered with AUTHENTIC werewolf fur. Yeah I may have paid a Puerto-Rican fur-trader a hefty price, but look who’s laughing now. ZING!)

So it starts off with Dan doing this week’s “I hate Smelly Belly and Edward the red turd” bit, and as usual we all love it. He makes a few jabs at Jacob’s sanity as well. This is understandable since he has spent the last two books fawning over a girl who wants to get naked with the undead. (If she also wants to become part of the non-living world, could we safely say that she is suicidal? Yes?) And she’s suicidal. I don’t know why he isn’t more worried about Jake’s mental health. Maybe he has concluded Jake’s level of Bad-A#$-ery acts as an anti-depressant, in which case he has nothing to worry about.

Later, Dan makes fun of Bella’s mighty gasping power. Now, normally I would never take Bella’s side over Dan’s, but I said it in a comment and I’ll say it again… Dan, you said you may have underestimated the power of a gasp. I know this was in jest. But look who just gasped and BAM'd on your next post. YUSSS! SUCK ON THAT!

After some chit-chat about nail guns and jazz hands, Dan (*cough* starts giggling like an eleven year old at a Hannah Montana concert *cough*) gets excited about The Great One’s battle with Riley. He liked it, but was more confused at the narration than I was when trying to understand the fourth season of LOST.

Me: I thought Charlie was dead?

Sister: He is…this is a flash back.

5 Minutes Later –

Me: Wait. If this isn’t a flash back anymore then why is Charlie here?

Sister: It’s a hallucination.

Me: Forget it.

He feels let down by a too-tidy ending to an otherwise awesome chapter. (This was written by an awful author.) To sum it up, he felt like I did when I first heard “Party in the USA”…conflicted.

Me: *rocks to the music* Snap! What a great song! I want to “move my hips like ‘yeah’ too!”

Sister: Ellie, you know who this is right?

Me: *pauses “cabbage patch” mid arm-circle* No, who?

Sister: Miley-freaking-Cyrus.

Me: *runs to bathroom*

Sister: Where are you going?

Me: *yells over shoulder* I need to go wash the “fail” off of myself…

He of course hits another high-note in the ballad of funny blogs. I finish with a laugh-induced asthma attack.

He hurts so good.

References to Vampire/ Bella’s Stupidity: 9 (Series Total: 337)

References to Werewolf superiority: 7 (Series Total: 17x1016)

Prediction: The anticipation for Dan’s next blog is so intense that it puts me in the hospital.

Me: *refreshes page every 38 seconds waiting for the next Blogging Eclipse post*

Mom: Ellie! Why are you sweating and hyperventilating? *checks pulse* And your heart is racing! Ellie, you’re having a heart attack!

Races to Hospital…

Me: Doc, I know you’re a busy guy but I NEED to use your computer. More than I need that shot to my Parasympathetic system! I need to check for the D-Man’s blog! I MUST Bam! I MUST Bam!

Doctor: *looks worriedly to my parents* Has your lovely daughter considered psychoanalysis?

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