Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Changing the World: Ditto-Style
I am, admittedly, new to the business of being a psychopath. But I'm catching on quickly, if I do say so myself.
The latest Sparkler Challenge comes from Aditrs, who requested a post about the Pokemon, Ditto. At that moment I thought, "How fun! Think of all the good things I can do for people!" But then I thought about it more and realized that what I want the most from life is...revenge. Think about it. Ditto can become anyone he wants. So if I were him for a day, I would take over the world. (Duh) I would, also, do a range of other wildly selfish things.
If I could be Ditto for a day, here's what my shenanigans would be:
1.) I would become Justin Beiber. First, I would legally change my last name to "Timber-fake" and chortle at my brilliance. Then, I would march right up to the record company and request to be dropped from the label. After that I would run to the nearest barber shop and get a haircut. Next, I would google, "How to be a mime."
2.) I would transform into the most hideous, foul dragon in all folklore. Then I would hunt for my third grade nemesis, Leslie Turner and singe her to a crisp. (Is that homicide? I'm a dragon after all. It's in the job description.)
3.) I would turn into Leslie Turner herself and get her arrested. Not for anything crazy, like drugs. But she will definitely be stealing something ridiculous just so that it goes on her record. I will be tickled pink if she has to admit she stole laundry detergent at her next job interview.
4.) I would morph into Taylor Lautner. Then find a mirror.
5. I would become my sister Alice. The city will then be papered with fliers that read, "I, Alice Everdeen, am a butt-sniffer. But my sister Ellie is five and a half feet of die-hard sexiness. I sucked my thumb until I was 14. And I worship the ground Ellie walks on. Bye. -Alice"
6.) I would become the god-among-men known as Dan Bergstein. I would make myself laugh at all the funny thoughts swirling in my head and copy them down for later use.
7.) I would morph into Lindsey Lohan. Then I'd put down the cocaine and eat a sandwich.
8.) Become Warren Buffet. I would disperse "my" wealth among you delicious (3 points for creepy adjectives!) Sparklers and Ellie's Whirrled readers.
I think I like this "psycho control freak" thing I have going.
P.S. There are obviously millions more things I'd like to do as Ditto but I figure I'd keep it short. But tell me what you would do if you were Ditto in the comments.