Sunday, May 9, 2010

How to Alienate People Like A Pro

Need to ditch someone but don't have the heart to tell them to get lost? You've come to the right place. I may not be a genius, but when it comes to alienating people, I'm a bonafide expert. So I present you with a few sure-fire ways to lose the people around you. I have spent the last 19 years perfecting these techniques so use them well...

1. Speak in a Jamaican Accent as loud as you can. (Most Effective if not actually Jamaican)

Friend: "Want to go get some frozen yogurt? It's both healthful and delicious..."

You: *Jamaican Accent* "Ya, Maawwn"

Friend: "Why are you speaking like that?"

You: *Jamaican Accent* Yo, maawwn! Don't hate da playa..."

*If Jamaican the same principle applies. Simply substitute with an American accent. I hear we're one of the most annoying accents.

2. Take forever to get to the point in a conversation.

You: "...And after the safari was over we went back to lodge. The head tour guide was wearing perfume. Anyhoo, the point of that story was that I like my perfumes spicy, not musky."

Them: *glazed-over look*

3. Stare at a pimple (real or imagined) on their face.

Them: "What the heck are you staring at? Is there something on my face?"

You: "It's not a 'something'. It's more like a planet."

4. Consistently accuse them of things they are not guilty of.

You: "Gosh Ginny, I'm sick of you constantly copying me! Every time I inhale, you inhale AT THE SAME TIME! You don't even have the decency to take a breath after me! I don't think this friendship is going to work out."

5. Use phrases that imply you have street cred, when, in fact, you have none. "In my neighborhood..." "Me and my posse of heathens" "Can I borrow your bandanna...I forgot mine" "I didn't even bother asking my mom to borrow the fifty cents for the gumball machine."

6. Lie. The more obvious, the better.

Them: "Want half of my sandwich?"

You: "No thanks, I'm allergic to all wheat harvested after 2 p.m."

Them: "How do you know when the wheat in my sandwich was harvested?"

You: "I get wheat-harvesting updates on Twitter."

If you practice in front of the mirror and make sure to eat plenty of fiber, than I GUARANTEE that these tactics will make everyone hate you.

You're Welcome,


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