Sunday, May 9, 2010

How to Ninja Your Bladder


Okay people , get ready for some low-brow stuff. At this particular moment in time, I am at my desk "working." I am also engaging in a fierce battle with the one part of the human anatomy that is karate chopping my powers of self control. My bladder. To put it simply, I have to pee like a Russian Racehorse. At one time or another, we are all stuck in a situation where the restroom is farther from you than Dorothy was to the Emerald City. And all she had to fight was a witch. You have to hurdle past a teacher/boss/warlock. But when your bladder starts kicking, here's how to fight back.

1.) Imagine a dry desert. In this dry desert it is 156 degrees and somewhere a cactus just died. Feel the desert...be the desert...oom...oom...

2.) Emotionally destroy your nearest enemy. Now hear me out with this one. Your looking for relief, are you not? So if you can't have it anatomically, get it mentally.

You: *whispers* "pssst...Jake, you know how you keep flushing my glasses down the toilet? Well this is classic over-compensation for your intellectual inferiority displayed by bullies. This aggression will haunt you throughout your life, and leading studies show that you are 15 times more likely to end up in the state penitentiary. While you continue to burden tax-payers in prison, I will be talking to Oprah about my status as the youngest self-made gazillionaire in history. Yeah, HOW'S THAT FEEL?! BAM!"

Jake: *whispers back* "Whatever nerd, your face is going in the toilet today at lunch!"

You: *whispers back aggressively at the mention of a toilet* "Will this be before or after your downward spiral into criminal activity and debauchery?! Don't look so confused at that last word, they'll have dictionaries in detention!"

3.) Attempt to get a potty-pass from your evil teacher/boss/warlock. Use begging, bribery, and Jedi mind control to accomplish this.

You: "Mr. Frederickson, I know this information will make or brake my knowledge of chemistry, but can I pretty please with an Easter-egg on top go to the bathroom?"

Mr. Frederickson: "I'm sure this can wait."

You: "Pleeeease! In fact, *pull out lunch money* if you let me go, Washington here might take a nap at your desk..."

Mr. Frederickson: "Are you trying to bribe me?"

You: "Absolutely not! What a vicious accusation! But...*waves Jedi-fingers in his face* You WANT to give me a potty pass..."

4.) Run for it. They can't stop you if they can't catch you.

Now stop silently cursing yourself for ever looking down on adult diapers and pick your poison.


-ellie

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