Thursday, May 20, 2010

How To Spot Hoover-Weilding Dementors


Am I allowed to copy a post from Sparknotes? Im acknowledging it's from Sparklife...It has my name on it...it's my post....let's go with "Yes." Here you go.



You may be starting to associate the name Elliekespie with uber-ridiculous and completely unhelpful posts, but take note: this post is different. It's actually EXTREMELY helpful (and uber-ridiculous). It's a guide to spotting people who suck; you know, the folks who vacuum the happiness from every situation like Dementors with high-powered Hoovers. There will be no references to shark tanks, digestive issues, or outer space in this post; sucky people are serious stuff, and I refuse to joke about them.

Here are some common types to look out for:

The Great and Powerful Oz (aka the person who refers to himself in the third person):

Gary: Gary would like to copy your math notes. Gary had better things to do than go to class today, if you know what Gary means.


You: You better be talking about your Uncle Gary, who flunked out of high school 60 times and keeps ditching calculus to play bingo at the retirement home.


Gary: Nope. This Gary talks about all Gary, all the time.


You: I'm going to push you into a shark tank.

The Riddler (aka the person who only communicates through conceited questions):


Riddler: Why do I look so fabulous in drop-crotch pants? Is it the vibrancy of my eyes? The richness of my tan? My other-worldly beauty as a whole?


You: I have to go. I’m having digestive issues.


Johnny Raincloud (aka the person who hates fun):


You: Hey, wanna go to Six Flags? They're giving out free hot dogs and giant stuffed pandas!

Johnny: *kicks a rock* Aww, no thanks. I think I'm just gonna eat some lentil soup and maybe organize my paper clips.





Andy Bernard from "The Office" (aka the person who compulsively one-ups you):

You: I just got a new puppy!


Andy: *Yawns* I just got a new Griffon. Takin' him out for a little fly around the lake later, if you want to watch.


You: My parents got me tickets to see Jason Mraz!


Andy: Whatevs. Mine bought me tickets to go to the moon.


Now that you know how to identify these people, hopefully you can avoid them.


Why is Elliekespie so awesome at giving advice? Probably because her parents just got her a shark tank. Made of gold. In outer space. BAM.


Got any tips for spotting people who suck?

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