Tuesday, May 18, 2010

How To Stick-It To the Morningtime.

I hate everything right now.

Okay that’s an exaggeration. But I do hate mornings. I truly believe that mornings are a cosmic joke. That somewhere in heaven, a long time ago, God said to himself, “I’m going to make this fabulous time called Night. The puny humans will get to sleep comfortably and dream about milkshakes and hugs. But, you know what’d be funny? If they had to scrap that and get up!”

That’s right folks; I love my bed more than I love most of you. (Please don’t be offended at that. I would say the same of you, if you were pillow-topped and let me sleep on you.) Every morning I engage the battle of getting out of bed. You may say to yourself, “Battle with whom?” The answer is: Me. One part of myself thinks, “You should really get up and watch the sunrise while drinking an overpriced latte. The other, more prominent, part of me thinks, “Productivity is for losers. Sleeping another three hours is for winners.”

I figured someone else out there must have the same problem. Don’t worry though. I have come up with the solution.

1. Imagine that your bed has suddenly transformed into something lethal. If you don’t get up 30,000 fire ants will go to town on your left butt cheek. It will then swell to the size of Texas. Then you’ll be sorry.

2. Give your sibling full permission to dump a bucket of ice water on you. Don’t tell them that you’ve also given yourself full permission to break their face afterwards. Everybody wins.

3. Put a rewards system in place. If you wake up one day then you get chocolate. If you wake up three days then you get a new outfit. If you wake up for an entire week, insist your parents buy you a pet whale. Name him Tiny.

4. Put your alarm clock in a vat of lava. Or scorpions. Or both. You’ll be so concerned with not dying that you won’t even realize you’re completely awake.

Let me know how it works out for you.



  1. The suggestions sound awesome! Except I don't have a sibling. Great piece anyway!

  2. lol ellie... i actually can sleep through a whole hour of my alarm beeping...i think it's high school.