Thursday, May 20, 2010

Peanut Butter Makes the World Go 'Round

They said it couldn't be done. (Okay nobody said that, but that line makes for a dramatic opener.) About a week ago, sparkler SeveralSilent challenged me to write a post about peanut butter. This whole week I have been working like a dog to make this post happen. (It most certainly did not take a week because I forgot about it until 13 minutes ago.)

Well Several, here's a gift for your eyeballs.

Peanut butter is the greatest food on earth. Better than macaroni. Better than egg-salad sandwiches. Better than Everlasting Gob-Stoppers. Know why? Because those foods cannot save the planet, destroy your enemies, achieve world peace, or bring families together. But peanut butter can.

1.) Save The Planet - Yes this humble food can literally* save the planet. If we tear down the world ten most populated cities and harvest peanuts, then we stop global warming in its tracks. Then we celebrate...with peanut butter.

2.) Destroy Your Enemies - Peanut butter is a master weapon. Do you want to know why that is? Because nobody expects humiliating defeat via peanut butter. You can:

a.) Put it on their seat right before they sit down. When their butt is resting nicely in the pile of peanut-goo, claim they had an explosive accident.

b.) Sneak into their house late at night and fill every shoe they own with peanut butter. It is impossible to get out the smell even if you can remove the peanut butter itself. You may be thinking to yourself, "Ellie, isn't that considered Breaking and Entering...which is illegal?" To that I say, "It's only illegal if you get caught"

c.) If they are allergic to peanuts: make them a peanut butter sandwich and claim it is made with soy and not peanuts. **

3.) Achieve World Peace - Imagine two world leaders got together over some peanut butter sandwiches and milk to discuss politics. (Is there anything more comforting than that combo? It's like a hug for your tummy.) They are so comforted by the deliciousness of peanut butter that they decide to sign a treaty ending war forever.

4.) Brings Families Together - Think of a typical family. You've got your stressed-out father, nagging mother, moody teenage daughter, and irritating little brother. Now imagine they all go to the store. The dad says he wants shaving cream. Mom says she wants deli meats. Daughter says she wants a Zach Efron poster. But then little Johnny says he wants a jar of creamy peanut butter. They all stop in their tracks and turn to Johnny with loving looks in their eyes at the mention of such a wonderful food. They hug; then go to the peanut butter aisle.

See what I mean? Peanut butter makes the world go 'round.

BAM! Challenge Status: Mission Accomplished.


*In Ellie-Speak, "literally" means, "I'm about to make an outrageous claim."

**DO NOT actually try this dummies. That's what the court system calls "Attempted Murder." (Or "Successful Murder" depending on how stupid the victim is.) Killing is for douche-bags.


  1. I gasped when I read 2c and then I looked at the note and the bottom and relaxed again. I am allergic to peanuts(and many other things) so i take it seriously.

    On a lighter note...HI!!
    love the post! <3

  2. ellie... i am very VERY proud of you. and amazed. :D you did it! hahahaha... now try one about asparagus.

  3. Epic post! Apparently peanuts are used to make explosives, too.