Sunday, May 9, 2010

Stress Tactics With Pizzazz

I'm going to let you in on a secret. Promise not to tell? THE STRESS FROM CLASSES AND WORK MAKE ME HATE MY JOB WITH THE BURNING PASSION OF 50 WHITE-HOT SUNS! (Can I get an Amen?!) Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of teenagers earning our own cash. It builds character, gives us independence, and gives us a reason not to do our chores. But I'm not even in my 20's and I swear I found a gray hair the other day. So I'm declaring war on stress. Here's how:

Battle Strategy 1.) Wake Up the Voices In Your Head. All day you've been focusing, trying to perform your tasks like a pro, right? Well here's where you stop. Every time your boss says something, translate his/her words into what he/she should be saying.

Boss: "Ellie, here is another stack of checks. I need you to add them into the computer's database in the next 15 minutes."

Translation: "Ellie, here is a fun fact: I sucked my thumb until I was 17. Sometimes when I have a particularly bad day, my thumb makes its way back in there."

Battle Strategy 2.) Lie. All you guys with jobs in a coffee-house or restaurant...this one's for you. You may be thinking, "How will lying alleviate stress?" Simple. It creates an environment where there is no work to do. Observe...

You: "Welcome to Kentucky Fried Chicken, my name is (insert name here), how can I help you today?"

Customer: "Hi! I'll take an order of your 15-piece fried chicken bowl. And a large Diet Coke."

You: *remorseful tone* "I'm so sorry sir, we're out of fried chicken."

Customer: "I don't understand how you can be out of fried chicken. This joint is called Kentucky FRIED CHICKEN!"

You: "Yes sir, I understand why you feel this way. However, chickens were just placed on the National Uneatable Birds List. Research shows that chickens cause fainting spells in children and pregnant women."

Customer: "I've never even heard of that list!"

You: "Yes sir. It's a shock. *whispers* But if you really have a craving for a good wing, I know a guy a few blocks down with a moonshine/fried chicken underground operation..."

Customer: *disturbed look* "Never mind! Can I just get the Diet Coke then?"

You: "Funny you should ask..."

Battle Strategy 3.) Compare your boss/co-worker/teacher/classmate to their closest villain/monster counterpart.

You: *thinks* "When was the last time this girl ate? She's mean enough for 5 people, but is 90 pounds soaking wet! Let's go with Skeletor. Mr. Green? Uh, definitely Frankenstein. Principal...who is she?...principal...principal...oooh! Wicked Witch of the West! *dreams wistfully of falling houses.*

Battle Strategy 4.) If you don't have nerves of steel, then I suppose you could try strategy 4. This involves Positive Thinking, Deep Breathing, and Diet/Exercise. If you eat right and exercise then you have a head start on feeling better throughout the day. Take deep breaths and count to 10 to restore a sense of calm. And always remember positive thinking. Chances are a week, month, year or decade from now, you won't even remember why this day was so bad. Keep focusing on the fact that soon this day will be over and you can go home and work on perfecting your powers of mind control.


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