Wednesday, June 23, 2010

How to Make an Ellie Pie

Ellie Pie for Beginners

Prep Time: 15 Minutes
Cook Time: 35 Minutes

Ingredients

2 Cups of Failure
3 Cups of Awkward Moments
4 Ounces of Hyperactivity
3 Chopped Sticks of Disappointed Hopes
1/2 Cup of Bad Taste in Music
2 Teaspoons of Corny Jokes
1 Pint of Mediocrity
3 Eggs
Pinch of Salt
2 Five-Ounce Cans of Your Favorite Berries.

Instructions

Preheat oven to 375 Degrees Fahrenheit.

In a large bowl mix the Failure, Awkward Moments, and Bad Taste in Music. Stir vigorously. Add in Hyperactivity and Corny Jokes. Let stand for five minutes.

In a separate bowl add Disappointed Hopes, Mediocrity, and Eggs. Add mixture to the first bowl. Stir. Add in Eggs, Salt, and Berries. Frizzy Hair and Big Teeth are optional.

Take mixture and dump it into the pie crust. Throw that sucker in the oven for half an hour. Let cool for 10 minutes.

Enjoy.

-Ellie




Friday, June 18, 2010

Let me Reintroduce Myself: 10 Things I Hate About You

Okay, you're about to experience a case of Deja Vu. This was my very first post, but I figured that nobody would have read my first post; hence, me re-posting it.

Look at any 90's teen flick. The set up is always the same. There's always the pretty girl, with lots of friends, an in-it-to-win-it attitude, and beautiful shiny hair. Then, somehow, the said "it" girl had a socially awkward best friend who's sanity was in question. Well, I'm that second girl. Don't get me wrong...I look normal on the outside (I think), but I can geek it up with the best of 'em. That ridiculously awesome person (who will end up marrying an oil tycoon, write a children's book, and find a cure for cancer) is Alice, my sister and best friend. In the aforementioned 90's flick the shiny-haired heroine is on the brink of awesome-ness. She gets invited to all the cool parties and drags along the un-cool best friend...which is not unlike what is happening here. The dorky girl has no idea how to party, and I have no idea how to blog. Actually I don't know how to party either but we'll get to that later. So I'm just going to do this my way. (Somewhere Alice is shuddering).



Fact 1.) My name is Ellie Everdeen. You can call me Ellie Everdeen.


Fact 2.) Alice is my best friend and sister. You probably guessed that already. (If you haven't that means you didn't understand me the first time I said it...and that would make you an idiot...in which case you should stop reading...and go away.) I will be talking about her a lot in this blog.


Fact 3.) I sincerely wish that I had theme music playing around me at all times. Preferably it would change with my mood. If my life up until this point were put to song, I'm pretty sure it would be "Beverly Hills" by Weezer.



Fact 4.) Monty Python and the Holy Grail is the best movie ever made. Closely followed by The Princess Bride. Don't argue with me.



Fact 5.) I have an unhealthy obsession with Disney Movies. Why go out and party when you could be home watching Pocahontas?


Fact 6.) For the most part I enjoy books more than people.


Fact 7.) Alice and I both do not enjoy stupid nicknames that others may find funny or amusing. Do not call her Alice Cullen and do not call me Smelly Ellie. No ones laughing.


Fact 8.) Alice and I are closer than most sisters. Which also means we fight. A lot. Some may say, "You guys fight too much." But like we always say, It's not fighting until someone's on the ground.


Fact 9.) I'm exaggerating on that last one...or am I?


Fact 10.) 15 percent of Americans secretly bite their toes. This means that 15 out of every 100 people you come in contact with are less civilized than chimps. So whenever someone really pisses you off you can always think to yourself, "They're probably one of the 15...the savage." Bet you feel better right? Yeah, you're welcome.

Okay, that's all you need to know (all I'm gonna tell you) for now. It's nice to meet you.

*In my best Kanye impression* Ellie OUT!

P.S. No, I don't understand the picture either.

How to Stand Out in College


*note: I don't know how copyright laws work exactly, but everything here was taken from community.sparknotes.com. This is just a weak shadow of that completely amazing site.
So in case you missed it, here is my article on college life posted yesterday on Sparklife's College Advisor. Be warned...there's very few useful tips in here. Okay enough introductions, here we go!

A ton of us wonderful Sparklers are on our way to college and off to change the world. A new generation of doctors, lawyers, and pastry chefs is in the making. But millions of other young adults are doing the same thing, so how are we supposed to stand out in the crowd? Here are some (mostly ridiculous) ways to shine.


1. Run for a position in student government. Campaign like a madman/madwoman/rabid bear. Employ jugglers, elephants, and fire-breathing clowns. Even if you lose, you'll always be remembered for riding into the dining hall on a bedazzled tiger.

2. Cultivate a bangin' wardrobe. Show up to English 101 in your favorite outfit: a sombrero, a hot dog costume, and 70s style platform disco shoes. Or, show up each day in full Voldemort garb.

3. Have a passion for Spanish, mashed potatoes, or Star Wars? Join the club. Literally. Universities have hundreds of organizations available to students, and the more you become involved, the more chances you have to show off. If you're an individualist, start a club dedicated to your dean's completely legit handlebar mustache.

4. Many of us love to read and write anyway (as evidenced by the thousands of SparkLife posts we submit each day), so why not get into journalism? Become a columnist for the school newspaper; everyone will know your name after they read your hard-hitting expose on de-pulping orange juice.

5. Set up crusades for unexpected things. Anyone can protest the wasteful consumption of finite natural resources, but only you can start a grassroots movement supporting the use of mushrooms in the cafeteria's spaghetti sauce.

6. Be yourself. Chances are that if you're reading a SparkLife article, you're already awesome! Smile, be brave, and stay true to your beliefs, and people are bound to love you! Unless you're dressed like Voldemort. Then, not so much.

-Ellie

Friday, June 11, 2010

Memories


School's a lot like toilet paper; you don't miss it till its gone.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

How to Ditch Summertime Chores

Summertime is upon us; which means, gone are the days of stress, alarms, and studying. Summer is a time of casual reading, swimming, sleeping until noon, and living off of cold pizza. Who needs to wake up and shower when you can keep sleeping for another 14 hours?


But if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.


After an exhausting day of surfing the web, napping, and playing video games, your parents finally arrive home. You are mystified by their anger upon seeing unmade beds, unwashed dishes, and uncut grass. You realize that they actually expect you to be…productive. OF ALL THE NERVE! Don’t they realize that the magic of summer vanishes when asked to do any sort of real work?

Here are a few ways to get out of doing those pesky chores.


1.) Fake an Illness. Ah, the good ol’ “Sorry mom, I was sick” trick. An oldie-but-goodie. But I’m not talking about the second-grade-style faking a cold act. You have to commit. It will also take some acting skills. Place your head above a pot of hot water (be careful) to make your head warm and clammy. Stay in the bathroom while your parents are nearby and make the sounds of explosive diarrhea. This is no time for shame people! This is the difference between being grounded or not!

2.) Fake a Sunburn. This is similar to number 1, but much more fun. Get darkly pigmented cream or whipped blush from the drugstore. (Red-dye will work also but it’s a much longer commitment.) Apply liberally. Stand stiffly in front of them and tell them you couldn’t move around. Retire to your room and re-read your favorite series.


3.) Negotiate. Now is the time to recreate your favorite scenes from Celebrity Apprentice.

You: Listen up Pop, if you turn the other cheek to the moldy dishes, I’ll make sure our annoying neighbor wakes up to a car covered in eggs.
Dad: Excuse me?
You: I know he’s been complaining about us dad. I can make that all go away…
Dad: Are you trying to bribe me with illegal favors?
You: “Bribe with illegal favors” is such an ugly term. I prefer to think of it more as “gettin’ the job done.”

4.) Flattery. Sucking up to your parents is one of the easier options. If you’re a good liar, this one’s for you.

You: Why father, you handsome devil, are you home already? My, my, have you been working out? Your beer-gut is looking awfully trim today. And your nose hair! I can’t even see it from way over here. I bet all the middle age ladies at work just can’t keep their hands off of you! Mom better watch out. A stud like you can’t be tamed.
Dad: Aw thanks son, here’s fifty dollars.


5.) Pretend to be Doing More Important Things.
You: Oh, hey mom! Sorry about the weeds in the backyard eating your poodle. I was just so caught up in reading about the many diseases attacking humankind, and I decided I wanted to do something about it. I’ve decided to become a doctor to find a cure for *insert fake disease here* and buy you a Porsche.


If you master these, you’ll be back to playing Xbox in no time at all.

Touché


This comment was left to me on my "Ellie Pinocchio Everdeen" Post.

Alice: "Ellie. Boy can I relate to this post. I'm not just saying that because we have the same parents... Wait, yes I am. Mine IS a little more angsty then yours is though. Parents can be ridiculous most of the time but who wouldn't be having to raise two children. Diapers, crying, and yelling can turn any semi-sane being to a psychopath warlord. Just sayin."

To that I say: True. Very True.

-Ellie

Ellie's Got Talent

I'm useless. I contribute nothing to the world.

I came to this realization when my younger sister fixed my dads computer, and proceeded to write her own music when she was done. I had to admit (begrudgingly) that the computer worked perfectly and her music sounded amazing. The next day we learned that she was one of the top four graduating seniors in her school. The day after that she, once again, displays that she has the best sense of direction of anyone I know. She is her own personal Mapquest. I'm surrounded by people with talent coming from their ears. They sing, dance, play sports, display their mathematical genius, and cook like gourmet chefs.

And then there's me.

Last time I tried to dance, I sprained my ankle. When I was singing loudly in my room, my mom ran in and asked me why I was screaming and if I needed to go to the hospital. I wasn't allowed to use the stove alone until I was 17, because so many things would end up on fire. And I am so pathetically clumsy, a tennis racket becomes a weapon in my hands. No exaggeration. So I'm on a quest to find myself a talent. You can come with me on that journey if you would like.

Here are my efforts so far.

1. Juggling. Okay, I know this doesn't really coincide with my clumsiness, but I figured it was work a shot. As it turns out...no, it was not worth a shot. I was pathetic, and by the time I was done I was also injured. And in hindsight, I shouldn't have used eggs.

2. Dog Whisperer. After watching The Dog Whisperer, I thought to myself, "I can do that!" In fact, no. I tried for hours to get my dog to listen to me. My efforts to get my German Shepard to roll over, ended with a look from her that could only be interpreted as, "You are seven shades of stupid." At that point I agreed.

3. Comedian. I tried to integrate comedy into all my conversations, but as it turns out, I'm about as funny as Infectious diseases. That is, not even the tiniest fraction. Apparently,
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana"
"Banana who?"
"Banana"
"Banana who?"
"Banana"
"Banana who?!"
"Orange"
"Orange who?"
"Orange you glad I didn't say, 'Banana?'"

...stopped being funny in first grade.

4. Make-up Artist. This didn't really work out in my favor. I thought I looked okay, but when I went downstairs, my mother asked why I looked like a prostitute. At first I thought, "at least I have a specific look, right?!" But I thought about it for 37 seconds and realized that being asked how much I cost an hour is not a good thing by any means.

So after two days, I still have noting that resembles a talent whatsoever. I'll keep working on it, and keep you all informed of my progress. If you have anything that I can try out, leave it in the comments.

-No-talent-Ellie

Monday, June 7, 2010

Question


I'm so car-sick that I can feel the nausea up to my earlobes. Hell itself could not be much worse than this.

Do you guys get car-sick?

-Almost-Dead-Ellie

Friday, June 4, 2010

Ellie Pinocchio Everdeen

I'm a liar. A bold-face liar.

Here's why:

This whole ridiculous situation started with my phone. I lost the wretched thing. I don't have a strong bond with my cell phone as it is so this is not the first time I've lost it and left it uncharged. The contract for it is under my parents name because, at the time, I was not old enough to buy my own legally. But since then I started earning my keep and paying my own bills. So if I lose something I pay for, you'd think it would be no big deal right?

Wrong.

My mom (bless her heart) asked me if I knew where my phone was. I remembered leaving it on the counter behind the sink so I said, "yup, sure do." I went about the rest of my day in utter bliss.

Then my mom came home today. Remember those pictures of Russian Czars; the austere "I'm about to behead you" look? Well, I was on the receiving end of that look not to long ago. It would have been terrifying if I weren't just as stubborn as she was.

Needless to say I was accused of being a liar. (Which was extremely bothersome considering I have a spotless reputation...I've never given a cause for complaint, except maybe a 50 cent library fee.) I honestly couldn't fathom the reason for so much upset. I've told them plenty of times that I don't want them to buy me things and that I don't mind paying for my own stuff. But in her eyes I was a criminal. (This is not a hyperbole...she works in law enforcement. In her eyes, all liars deserve to be locked in a cell.)

Later my old man said that I should go down and apologize for lying and tell the truth.
I explained that 1.) I didn't lie. 2.) It doesn't really matter if lost my phone...I work to pay for it. 3.) I don't feel the need to justify myself; I know I didn't lie and that's good enough for me. 4.) She wouldn't believe me even if I did tell the truth, it would only sound like I was trying to get myself out of trouble. I don't believe in giving excuses. 5) I am not, in any way, sorry.

After I said all this (respectfully, of course...no need to get anyone else upset at me) he really had nothing to say back. Before he could come up with something else to throw at me, I said I would go down stairs and apologize just to keep the peace. The thought of what I was doing was so repulsive that I had to work to keep the grimace off of my face. After being wrongfully accused of lying, I was about to tell the only lie in the whole situation.

I looked her in the face and lied smoothly with the words, "I still haven't found my phone. I'm very sorry for lying in the first place." The truth would have been something along the lines of, "I'm not sorry at all, and I have no patience for mood swings. I told you what I thought was the truth, and I don't see how me losing my own property is any of your concern in the first place. To be frank, I'm pleased to have cause you a small ounce of the upset that you terrorize us with each day." (Yes, yes, it's very petty. It's also the truth.)

You can see how the truth could have ended badly.

I don't mean any of this an angsty, "I hate my folks" kind of way. I'm not really even upset, and the whole thing makes me laugh when I think of all the people I know getting kicked out of the for doing drugs. I'm just saying what happened.

So here's my question(s): Would you lie, and make yourself look bad, just to keep the peace? Is lying for that reason wrong? At what point is telling the truth the wrong thing to do?

-Ellie

P.S. This post is obviously a little different that what I normally put up. But I figure, my blog...anything goes.

P.P.S. You're perfectly within your rights to call me a lying skunk. Please don't hate me forever though.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

A Day in the Life of a Disgruntled Misanthrope

For the most part, I could safely say that I'm a happy-go-lucky person. I love puppies, rainbows, and sunshine. When I'm a bored I bake cookies for the elderly people I know and do the laundry for my mom. My dreams mostly consist of buying other people presents.

But not today.

Today is one of those days where you just want to shoot the sun for being so gosh-darn bright. As I look at a happy couple holding hands, I dream of them in a vicious break up. (Ideally, it would involve infidelity). Today sucks with a vengeance. Want to know what a day of being a pessimistic mathematician is like? Well, here you go.

9:00 am - Pull into summer job and dream of the day when you quit with a strongly worded letter and pack your things for fall classes.

9:05 am - Try to plaster on a smile when your co-worker says hello. Your answering "hello" sounds suspiciously like, "Shut the heck up."

9:10 am - Your boss starts in with the daily tasks and requirements. You realize that you are more infinitely more intelligent than he is. You decide that when your are a millionaire you will buy this company and give him a salary cut.

9:11 am- 12:00pm - Persist in working as hard a s you can, to distract you from the fact that you are in an introverted-misanthrope's personal hell. You wonder how badly it would hurt the two giggling idiots to have hot coffee thrown in their faces. Perhaps then they would stop talking about how badly they hate their noses.

12:01 pm - Lunch! You are thrilled by the prospect to nourish yourself, but twice as thrilled that now you can get back to your book and working with the new theorems you have learned in your latest mathematical adventures.

12:10 pm - Right as you take your seat to enjoy the lunchtime festivities, the two giggling idiots from earlier sit at the next table and continue their chattering. Drat! You anoint them as you newest nemesis. You promise to avenge your lost peace. For now, they've won the battle...but not the war.

1:00pm -4:39 pm - Continue working and planning revenge on your nemesis. Idiot #1 mentions she has a hair appointment. You call the salon and tell them that you would like to change your scheduled highlights for a more drastic change. Tell the stylist "you" have decided to go with Smurf-blue hair. Tell him not to ask me questions when I get in; just get to work. Giggle in anticipation for Idiot #1's makeover.

5:00 pm - Work ends. You drop the "nice" act altogether. All farewell partings have been reduced to a raised hand and a grunt. You are reassured by the prospect of returning home and re-watching Battlestar Galactica.

5:11 pm - On the way home you "accidentally" drop your milkshake on the next happy couple you see. You then realize you are officially the biggest jerk-face you know. You consider tyranny as a career path.

There you have it.

-Ellie-the-jerk-face

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

My Life Is Flashing Before My Eyes


My sister is driving like a maniac.

If I die, my possesions will be given away on a first come, first serve basis.

-Ellie-who-might-be-dead-soon.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

How to be the Worst Blogger in the Western Hemisphere

1. Change your name to Ellie Everdeen.
2. Consistently put off writing your blog because your tired/busy/dumb.
3. Make sure you suffer from writers block at least twice a day.
4. Look back at number 2, and realized you spelled "you're" incorrectly.
5. Make a ridiculous list for a couple of people to read.
6. Go back to reading Wuthering Heights.
7. Apologize for wasting 39 seconds of your life that you will never get back again,
8. Promise that you will be back soon with more absurd blogs.
9. Take NyQuil for your cough.
10. Put back the extra two pills so we don't repeat last year's "drunk-dial" incident.
11. Realize you've wasted another 10 seconds.
12. Apologize again.
13. Lather, rinse, repeat.

-Elliephant.

P.S. If you have any embarrassing moments while under the influence of medicine, please let me know. I need to focus on someone else's humiliation instead of my own. Curse my razor sharp memory.

P.P.S What is the correct abbreviation for the next post-script?

P.P.P.S In case you were wondering, 4 1/2 NyQuil have the same effect as a few shots of tequila: an overwhelming urge to call people and tell the things they don't need to know.

P.P.P.P.S If you are upset that I have wasted so much of your time, just let me know and I will try to come up with an appropriate apology.