Thursday, June 3, 2010

A Day in the Life of a Disgruntled Misanthrope

For the most part, I could safely say that I'm a happy-go-lucky person. I love puppies, rainbows, and sunshine. When I'm a bored I bake cookies for the elderly people I know and do the laundry for my mom. My dreams mostly consist of buying other people presents.

But not today.

Today is one of those days where you just want to shoot the sun for being so gosh-darn bright. As I look at a happy couple holding hands, I dream of them in a vicious break up. (Ideally, it would involve infidelity). Today sucks with a vengeance. Want to know what a day of being a pessimistic mathematician is like? Well, here you go.

9:00 am - Pull into summer job and dream of the day when you quit with a strongly worded letter and pack your things for fall classes.

9:05 am - Try to plaster on a smile when your co-worker says hello. Your answering "hello" sounds suspiciously like, "Shut the heck up."

9:10 am - Your boss starts in with the daily tasks and requirements. You realize that you are more infinitely more intelligent than he is. You decide that when your are a millionaire you will buy this company and give him a salary cut.

9:11 am- 12:00pm - Persist in working as hard a s you can, to distract you from the fact that you are in an introverted-misanthrope's personal hell. You wonder how badly it would hurt the two giggling idiots to have hot coffee thrown in their faces. Perhaps then they would stop talking about how badly they hate their noses.

12:01 pm - Lunch! You are thrilled by the prospect to nourish yourself, but twice as thrilled that now you can get back to your book and working with the new theorems you have learned in your latest mathematical adventures.

12:10 pm - Right as you take your seat to enjoy the lunchtime festivities, the two giggling idiots from earlier sit at the next table and continue their chattering. Drat! You anoint them as you newest nemesis. You promise to avenge your lost peace. For now, they've won the battle...but not the war.

1:00pm -4:39 pm - Continue working and planning revenge on your nemesis. Idiot #1 mentions she has a hair appointment. You call the salon and tell them that you would like to change your scheduled highlights for a more drastic change. Tell the stylist "you" have decided to go with Smurf-blue hair. Tell him not to ask me questions when I get in; just get to work. Giggle in anticipation for Idiot #1's makeover.

5:00 pm - Work ends. You drop the "nice" act altogether. All farewell partings have been reduced to a raised hand and a grunt. You are reassured by the prospect of returning home and re-watching Battlestar Galactica.

5:11 pm - On the way home you "accidentally" drop your milkshake on the next happy couple you see. You then realize you are officially the biggest jerk-face you know. You consider tyranny as a career path.

There you have it.

-Ellie-the-jerk-face

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