Wednesday, June 9, 2010

How to Ditch Summertime Chores

Summertime is upon us; which means, gone are the days of stress, alarms, and studying. Summer is a time of casual reading, swimming, sleeping until noon, and living off of cold pizza. Who needs to wake up and shower when you can keep sleeping for another 14 hours?

But if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

After an exhausting day of surfing the web, napping, and playing video games, your parents finally arrive home. You are mystified by their anger upon seeing unmade beds, unwashed dishes, and uncut grass. You realize that they actually expect you to be…productive. OF ALL THE NERVE! Don’t they realize that the magic of summer vanishes when asked to do any sort of real work?

Here are a few ways to get out of doing those pesky chores.

1.) Fake an Illness. Ah, the good ol’ “Sorry mom, I was sick” trick. An oldie-but-goodie. But I’m not talking about the second-grade-style faking a cold act. You have to commit. It will also take some acting skills. Place your head above a pot of hot water (be careful) to make your head warm and clammy. Stay in the bathroom while your parents are nearby and make the sounds of explosive diarrhea. This is no time for shame people! This is the difference between being grounded or not!

2.) Fake a Sunburn. This is similar to number 1, but much more fun. Get darkly pigmented cream or whipped blush from the drugstore. (Red-dye will work also but it’s a much longer commitment.) Apply liberally. Stand stiffly in front of them and tell them you couldn’t move around. Retire to your room and re-read your favorite series.

3.) Negotiate. Now is the time to recreate your favorite scenes from Celebrity Apprentice.

You: Listen up Pop, if you turn the other cheek to the moldy dishes, I’ll make sure our annoying neighbor wakes up to a car covered in eggs.
Dad: Excuse me?
You: I know he’s been complaining about us dad. I can make that all go away…
Dad: Are you trying to bribe me with illegal favors?
You: “Bribe with illegal favors” is such an ugly term. I prefer to think of it more as “gettin’ the job done.”

4.) Flattery. Sucking up to your parents is one of the easier options. If you’re a good liar, this one’s for you.

You: Why father, you handsome devil, are you home already? My, my, have you been working out? Your beer-gut is looking awfully trim today. And your nose hair! I can’t even see it from way over here. I bet all the middle age ladies at work just can’t keep their hands off of you! Mom better watch out. A stud like you can’t be tamed.
Dad: Aw thanks son, here’s fifty dollars.

5.) Pretend to be Doing More Important Things.
You: Oh, hey mom! Sorry about the weeds in the backyard eating your poodle. I was just so caught up in reading about the many diseases attacking humankind, and I decided I wanted to do something about it. I’ve decided to become a doctor to find a cure for *insert fake disease here* and buy you a Porsche.

If you master these, you’ll be back to playing Xbox in no time at all.

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