Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Ellie Report: I Have A Panic Attack

Get ready to tinkle in your pants...Sparknotes gave me a series.


It's called The Ellie Report. At first I was so excited that I could barely stand it. I jumped and danced and skipped and ate pie until my stomach imploded from excitement and berry preservatives. I looked in the mirror and thought to myself, "Self, darling, you are one funny bada#$. You are going to be a blogging superstar. Dan Bergstein will gravel at your feet. Maybe you'll even be as funny as Chelsea Dagger or Auntie Sparknotes. Give yourself a pat on the back kid, you're in the big leagues now."

And then reality set in. Who am I kidding? I can't do this. How the hecksicles am I going to come up with creative articles ALL THE TIME. What if nobody thinks I'm funny or helpful or talented at all?! Everybody is going to rip me to SHREDS. And then Chelsea Dagger is going to have to make up a story about how the area of my brain that makes me even remotely interesting was severed in a giraffe attack, so she had to cancel my series. Then I will weep. And people will rejoice in my suffering. And I will give away my computer because, CLEARLY, I'm not qualified to come near it anymore.

After seriously considering emailing them that I had changed my mind, and to forget about the whole thing, I got a grip of myself. I wasn't as optimistic as I initially was, but I also wasn't on the brink of jumping off of a cliff. I found a more realistic way of viewing things.

I'm just going to keep doing what I love and hope people like it as well. I'm not sure if I can manage to be funny or interesting all the time but I'm going to do my best. If I fail, at least i can say I gave it everything I had. I know that I didn't find a cure for cancer, convince Jake Gyllenhaal to marry me, or finally control my mane of frizzy hair. But, this does mean a lot to me. I LOOOOVE writing so much that it's inappropriate. It's therapeutic and makes me feel like I'm at home in something. Writing is such a beautiful way of expressing yourself. It's amazing to think that by simply having an idea, you can put the right combination of words together and make people laugh, cry, or more likely, hate you.

Now that I sound like Earnest Hemingway's less cool cousin, I'll make my exit.

-Ernie Hemingway

P.S. I know that a serious blog like this is a change of pace, but I thought it might be nice to have a panic attack with you guys around to read about it.


  1. LOL Ellie, you completely, 100% deserve this series. By the way, I laughed precisely four times while reading this blog post. Loved the bit about the berry preservatives. :D

    You totally deserve it! i KNEW it was coming :)

  3. For the record, i love your blog. And you totally deserve this series! I'm looking forward to your next post!