Thursday, July 29, 2010

The Fear

Think back to when you were seven years old. Your stupid aunt Kathy would ask you the same question every time she came to visit: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Some kids say astronaut. Some say firefighter. Some say "Corporate Shareholder in a Fortune 500 company." For the most part I said that I didn't know. When stupid aunt Kathy (yes, "stupid" is actually apart of her name) insisted that I give a real answer then I would shoot out the first thing I thought would shut her up. Doctor. Judge. Ballerina. You get the picture.

As you grow up you start to get a picture of yourself. Your decisions in life shape who you turn out to be. As time goes on you start to get closer and closer to knowing what you don't want to be. But the ever elusive answer to the question stupid aunt Kathy used to ask me is still unknown. Maybe she was right to start questioning me all those years ago, because here I am, about to sail out of adolescence and I still have no idea. Should we go ahead and blame stupid aunt Kathy for my over analyzing and paranoia?

Stupid aunt Kathy you B!%&@#! Thanks for setting me up for another 20 years of psychosis.

I hate her.

Where were we?

Ah yes, we were discussing my quarter-life crisis.

Anyway, I'm experiencing what many other people my age are going through: The Fear. The Fear is the state of mind that burrows itself deep in the freaking cerebellum when you realize that people expect you to be a grown up now. Between thinking about school, work, bills, housing, relationships, insurance, and general life-coping skills, I start to panic and wonder how bad sleeping in my parents basement for the next thirty years could really be. My uncle Paul did it and he turned out just fine. He only went to prison a couple of times!

I think back to that the question stupid aunt Kathy used to ask me and my answer hasn't changed in the last 13 years. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

At least I"ve still got spunk.


P.S. I just realized that this whole post is reminiscent of a certain graduation speech given in a recent movie. I guess confusion is a rampant theme in young adult life.

P.S.S. I know exactly what you're feeling after reading this. I think Rhett Butler said it best: "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."


  1. I don't think it's a problem now to not know what you want to be when you grow up. There's still college. Actually, I know plenty of people who don't know what they want to be, and they're seniors/juniors.

  2. It's good to know that may craziness is neither unfounded, nor unique.

  3. Nice post Ellie. When I was seven I would answer something along the lines of, "I want to be a ballerina or a shamu trainer and I want to end world hunger." I was an interesting child.

    Being in the middle of having to think about declaring a major right now, I know exactly how this line of thought works. :D