Monday, August 2, 2010

Ellie's Got MORE Talent

I haven't given up. I know that you, along with most of the continental US, wishes I had, but I haven't. I'm still on the quest to be a multi-talented son-of-a-gun.

A month or two ago I wrote a post called "Ellie's Got Talent." (I would post a link to it but I have no idea how.) In said post, my readers learn that I am a frazzled, (is that a word?) talent-less mess. But fear not. I am here to say that no matter how pathetic the universe proves that I am, there is always room for more failure.

Huh? That doesn't sound right, does it?

Anyway I'm here to brief you on the goings-on of my talent quest. Don't you love the word 'quest?' It makes everything sound so much more noble.

Here we go again.

1. Dancer - Ballet, hip-hop, tango, and salsa. You name it, I tried it. I thought I was on to something with dancing because I love it so much. My reasoning was that my pure, unadulterated love for gettin' my groove on would give me an edge. Sort of like how all those contestants on American Idol think that because they love singing in their shower that they have the chops to be recording artists. To put it mildly, both me and those contestants need to find a new dream. I was the William Hung of the dancing world. There are few things in life that are as embarrassing as trying to bump and grind while looking as if you are seizing. But I will say this: what I lacked in know-how I made up for with enthusiasm.

2. Artist. Thus far we have only discussed my failures, but I have some good news. This one wasn't so bad. This is mostly because you could saw a car in half, fill it with boiled eggs and call it art. I went to Michael's Craft Supplies and got loads of paint. I also got little paintable keepsake boxes. I went about my work of painting them for my friends. I kept my painting subjects light and happy. You know, like dead trees and starving kittens. I don't think they got the message of my art. (The message being 'At least you're not a dead tree or starving kitten.') But other than that, my paintings were a smashing success. I had a ton of fun putting on my Lucille Ball apron and messing up my mothers dining room table. My friends said they were "odd," but I'm sure by "odd" they meant "wicked cool."

3. Hair Stylist. This one was my personal favorite. As I have said before, I am a swirling vortex of curls and frizz. But not in a cool, trendy, hipster way. (Note: Never trust hipsters. If they're wearing skinny pants and a Fedora, walk away.) Its more reminiscent of Cher in Moonstruck. I tried my best to make myself into a walking Herbal Essence commercial. I didn't go as I planned. I murdered my hair and had to hack six inches off. (Not lying even one bit.) It is not only obnoxiously curly but now it is also taking on the shape of an Afro.

4. Hipster. Yup, I sure did tell yup not to trust 'em. Yup, I'm a hypocrite. I think we all need to go through this phase to get all the jack*** out of our systems. For three days I wore skin tight pants, plaid shirts, Fedora hats, studded belts, and pretended to listen to bands no ones heard of. In the afternoon I would take something written by Hemingway and and sit at Starbucks with an overpriced soy-something-or-other. I would contemplate the breakdown of society using Lady Gaga as evidence. Let me tell you, being a tool is EXHAUSTING. I definitely failed at this one and I'm glad I did.

These are the four things I tried this time. Tell me some things you think I should try out for next time!


P.S. What are your guys' talents or hobbies?


  1. Ha ha... if I have a fedora and listen to bands no one's heard of, does that make me a hipster? I think I'm relatively likable...

  2. LOL Ellie, this post is brilliant. The 'sawing a car in half and filling it with eggs' bit, and the message of the starving kittens was excessively so. :D
    I can do what the girl in the picture is doing, it's called a bielmann position in skating. :D

  3. I do rock climbing. Its considered a "sport," thus making me slightly "athletic." (:
    I hate running practically more than anything in the world and even though I'm a weakling, it's not that bad. And its fun because you get to the top and then you just sit there having fun while other people whoosh you down. (:

  4. @jgrudzy - You're beyond likable!
    @Feathers - You can do that?? That means you are already cooler than I will ever be.
    @Epic - Rock climbing always looks like so much fun! Its the thought of falling to my death that keeps me from participating though.