Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The Ways of the Nerd

There are MANY things I don't understand. The continued success of The Real World for example. Here is just another post about my ignorance.

Let me begin by saying that I love nerds. (I also love making sweeping generalizations about large groups of people.)

From Richie Cunningham to Steve Urkel; I’ll take ‘em all. But there are a few things that my nerd-loves obsess over. I’m here to explore some of these things in an effort to understand them further.

1.) Their Pens – As we know, the term “nerd” is virtually synonymous with “brilliant mind.” Of course, they need a superior writing utensil to get those mental gems on paper. Sure, paying $46.99 for a pen is absurd, but a nerd considers this a small price to pay for scribbling in style.

2.) Their Security – I am more baffled by this than all of the Matrix movies combined, but nerds are infatuated about their security. Everything they own is either password protected or locked in a safe at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. I’m not sure if they’re only hiding video games, or if they’ve come up with some way to use an Orwellian-Big Brother plot to control the masses. Either way, it’s under lock and key and you’d better believe you’ll never see it.

3.) Conspiracy Theories – Extra Terrestrials are coming to harvest humans as fuel. Steve Jobs has implanted subliminal messages in all Macbooks. The government inserts mind-control chips into newborns. Oh yes, nerds spend countless hours speculating about the clandestine goings-on of the world around us. People think they’re crazy, but when grandma is brainwashed into thinking Jersey Shore is a great show, you’ll come crawling back to nerds asking for help.

4.) World of Warcraft – Don’t ask me to explain ANYTHING about this game, because I have no idea. For all I know the entire game is about a bloody battle between fairies and aliens. What I do know is that my popularity-challenged friends are enraptured with this game. Maybe it has some sort of heroin-like effect on them. They feel like they have to come back for more or they’ll erupt in shivers and cold-sweat. Whatever it is, if it came down to World of Warcraft or me…I’d better get ready for rejection.


P.S. What did I miss?


  1. LOL, brillaint post Ellie, I laughed approximately...through the whole thing. :D

    Security.*snickers* Not that I would know about a nerdy obsession with security...x) I do not at all know anything about world of warcraft, but from what I know it does seem to be very similar to heroine.

  2. *sigh* nerds... they're so adorable. I once was close friends with a nerd who could sing in binary and talked about letter-grid systems...

  3. I dinnae unnerstan' World of Warcraft either. I also dinnae unnerstan' why I am spaeking like an Irishman.
    Great post, Ellie!

  4. Thanks guys!
    @jgrudzy - lucky! i wanna meet him!